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June 22, 2010
Dear 20 year old self,
You just passed your 39th Birthday yesterday, and yes, it is old. But it is so much better than you imagined. I know getting old scares you since Mom only passed away a year ago at age 49, and you aren’t sure you will live to see 40, but you are almost there and life is good!
I know life seems impossible right now, and sadly, that feeling is going to last quite a bit longer, but I promise things will start to look better very soon! Finding the theatre department in college was a great decision and even though you aren’t sure you can make it as a professional actor, don’t worry, it doesn’t really matter. You will learn as life goes on that what you do for a living does not define you, but just gives you something interesting to talk about at parties. And really, nobody cares what you do; they aren’t really listening at parties anyway! Getting the degree in English as something to “fall back on” was a bit silly, but your reasoning was sound at the time and it made your Dad proud that you have two bachelors. But more on your career in a minute.
So many great things are about to happen to you… but a lot of bad things are too. You will feel lonely, you will be dumped by multiple boyfriends and you will be shocked at how terrible people can be. But you will also see such kindness and love, and quite frankly, all of these things will shape who you are going to become, and that person is pretty happy, so try not to sweat the small stuff and move on.
Going to Grad School for Theatre was a good decision. There will be times in your 30’s where you will question this as you look at your debt and wonder how it got that big. But the Grad School thing is good… not because you learn anything, although you do, and not because it will help you get a job, because it won’t. It will prove to be a good decision because you meet a boy who will help get you to New York City. And no, this boy is NOT the one, but you will already know that deep down. But going to New York will teach you so much about yourself and how strong you are! You will meet amazing people and you will grow so much! You will also have heart ache and loneliness as well, but that is just a part of life! New York will change you in the best ways, trust me!
Now, as for some things you will think are mistakes, but I am here to tell you they weren’t:
1) Painting your walls yellow late at night and then crying for days after your 6 year relationship ended was a fine decision. Yellow is a good happy color and that act help separate you from him and claim your tiny studio apartment as your own. Don’t worry, landlords always paint over it!
2) Moving to NY with nothing but your luggage helped you find your husband. No it didn’t happen right away, in fact it took 7 years in the city before stumbling upon him, but it is so worth it.
3) Changing jobs often, temping in offices and waitressing is awesome. You meet a lot of people and you learn about yourself. Yes, you will be told time and time again that it doesn’t look good on your resume, but don’t listen to those people, you can do whatever you set your mind to!!!
4) Giving Petunia back to the shelter was your only option. You really did try everything, but she was a troubled cat and although you loved her, she couldn’t stop herself from wanting to rip your eyes out. You will feel a lot of guilt about this and others will judge as well, but you will know the truth.
This is important… It is never wrong to share and open up. They teach you to share in Kindergarten, but somewhere along the way, you feel like it isn’t safe to share. It really is ok… share your feelings, share your make up, share your clothes, and share your heart! If you feel like you’ve said too much, quit worrying about it, there is no harm in being vulnerable, in fact it makes you strong. You learn this lesson on stage, and in fact teach it to your students, so try to incorporate that in your life more. Go ahead and share and be damned those that judge you!
Oh, and stop being so concerned about your chest. Yes, it is large… and you will really love that later in life when you finally just come to terms with your body. Walk tall, no need to hunch over! Oh, and start running earlier… you don’t start until your late 30’s and you love it! Nope, you are wrong; you CAN run with a big chest!
I know your 20’s are hard, and unfortunately your 30’s don’t get easy per say, but you will learn to be ok with that. You are an incredibly strong person and you have a very loving family who is very supportive and proud of you. Don’t rush finding the right husband, he is out there and when you meet him, amazingly you will know very quickly that he is the one, and he is wonderful. When he holds you and looks into your eyes, things will feel still and quiet and that is a good thing.
Relax, take more long deep breaths and just know that life is a fun journey and try harder to live in the now. Your past is important and helps define you, and yes, looking toward the future and planning can help organize your thoughts that sometimes feel out of control, but I challenge you to stop and just be in the present from time to time… a very wise husband will teach you how to do this, but you can start trying anytime!
Love,
39 year old Jill
Inspired to write by Cassie Boorn
