Resting....

I am officially on Bed Rest.  My doctor has decided to pull the trigger.... I have been conflicted about the idea of bed rest since it means leaving work early and laying down all day, but now that I am one week into it, I know that this is for the best.  I am 32 weeks pregnant and as each week comes and goes, I get more and more nervous about this little Firefly.  The Tot was born at 33 weeks, and now that I am almost there, it is amazing to me how early that little spud arrived.  So, the goal is to keep this little Firefly in there longer than the Tot was.

We are doing a few things to try to "gestate" longer.  For at least a month now, I have been getting weekly progesterone shots (not fun), I have minimized my activity (hard to do) and now I am on bed rest (so far so good).  In my last pregnancy, we had no complications, that is until the Tot arrived at 33 weeks.  But up until then, my doctor had no concerns at all.  This time around, my doctor (a new specialist) is keeping a much closer eye on me.  We found out post Tot that I had a misshapen uterus and then at 26 weeks, we found out I had placenta previa (awesome), in addition to being AMA... and for those of you who don't know the lingo... that means I'm old! ugh.  

So, here we are on bed rest... and by we, I mean me... since my poor husband has to do double duty since I am not allowed, he is very clearly NOT on bed rest.  The Tot is also not on bed rest and is very confused by the change in daily duties.  Noodles is the only pack member that is thrilled with this new arrangement.  She loves having a companion all day that lounges on the couch/bed.

So, in theory, I have time to blog more... so we shall see if I can finish some of these posts I have in the hopper and finish some other writing.

Time Flies

Has it really been since March?  Where does the time go?  This little pack has been busy since then.... March is around the time I found out I was pregnant with a little firefly.  It was a bit of a shock, since we weren't necessarily trying.  It has been a whirlwind of doctors appointments, finding a new doctor, worrying, being joyful and taking care of the Tater Tot who is fully mobile and exciting!

More on the pregnancy later, there is a lot to write about there.  For now, I want to update you on the Tot.  He is about to turn two, which is amazing to me.  He is a little person who has very specific ideas on what he wants.  He talks all the time and learns like 10 new words a day.  It amazes me. 

He has always had a fondness for Noodles, but it has taken on a new intensity.  He wants to feed her kibble, he wants kisses and wants to kiss her, he wants to know where she is 24/7 (especially when she is trying to hide from him and get a quick nap in).  Now he has to make sure to say good-bye to her when we leave the apartment and give her kisses and give her a toy.  "Bye Bye Nue Nue" he says even after we are blocks away.... "See you soon".  Hilarious.

We have not really prepped him for the new baby, since I seriously don't think he would understand, although he likes to point at my growing belly and say "balloon".  I think the next couple of months we need to start to talk about the new baby and help him understand the new changes happening.  He just continues to be such an agreeable little boy that I can't imagine him freaking out too much.  He is so easy with the other kids at day-care, that I just haven't really worried about it.  I know, I am probably naive.

So, I am hoping to stay up to date with this blog more.  I will explain in another post why I have delayed posting much lately.  But I am going to give it a whirl and see what I think! 

Expectations. What to expect.... blah, blah, blah.

I am learning to adjust my expectations.  It is not easy for me to do, but I don't have much choice.

I really wanted to breastfeed the Tot.  I believe 'breast is best'... I have not been bullied into believing that from other mothers, no doctor has insisted, I just believe it is best, so that is what I wanted to do.  But sometimes, I am learning, you can't.  There are a lot of reasons that I don't seem to be able to breastfeed, and I recite them over and over to convince myself that I am not a failure, but I guarantee you, the first time the Tot has an ear infection, I am going to blame myself.

I repeat this list over and over..... it helps now, but I imagine it won't always. 

1.  The Tot was born premature, whisked off to the NICU and was given formula before I was able to produce my own milk. He was hungry and couldn't wait.

2.  I had a "placenta problem" that I don't like to remember or discuss.... so I was given morphine after his birth and wasn't able to breast feed or pump for almost 12 hours.

3.  He likes the bottle nipple better...
4.  I was severely anemic for a week after the Tot was born.  The doctors wanted to give me a blood transfusion, which I denied, hoping for a more natural, nutritional solution.

4.  I had to commute from home to the NICU for 17 days while trying to breastfeed, and pump and take a subway and and and....

So, expectations?  out the window.

I feel like I tried everything, and logically I know I did.  I met with lactation consultants, I took a breastfeeding class at the hospital for mom's with preemies, I pumped every two hours, I ate lactation cookies, I drank lactation tea, I drank gallons of water, I took fenugreek pills, I was patient with the Tot, I was patient with myself.... I had wonderful support from the Husband, friends and family.  I just couldn't produce enough milk.  The Tot did get all of the milk I did produce, and the nurses at the NICU said that he really did get a lot of my milk, especially for a preemie, but it wasn't enough. And then, well, it just went away, no matter what I did to try to keep in flowin'.

I also wanted to cosleep, and pack cute baby clothes to take to the hospital, and prepare my boss and co-workers for my maternity leave, and decorate a nursery, and well... just finish the prep for the Tot, but none of that happened and sometimes I mourn for that loss.  The loss of week 34 through 40 in my pregnancy.  I like to plan things, I like to make lists, I like to know what is coming and plan for it, but I couldn't.  

I know, I know... The Tot coming early, totally healthy, is such a blessing.  And I am blessed.  He is amazing, and we are adjusting our expectations.  But sometimes I am sad and I mourn the loss of those last 6 or 7 weeks of pregnancy.  It is a strange roller coaster of emotions when you have a preemie baby, which I am sure is exacerbated by hormones being all outta whack, but I was quite unprepared for that roller coaster. I hate being unprepared. 

So, we move on from breast feeding, from co-sleeping, from the shock of the delivery.... I move on, I give myself permission to move on.  The Tot is thriving and I can adjust my expectations and move on.

November 15th

Today is my due date. 
The Tot is 6 weeks and 4 days old.
Today feels a bit surreal.  I am overwhelmed with love for this little Tater Tot, and I can't believe that six weeks has already passed!  He is growing every day and we think a real smile is right around the corner.  He is just such an agreeable little guy, we could not be happier with him!

Pillow?

Noodles likes to cuddle and is terribly confused by my belly. She wants to leap on it and dig on it to make it more comfy likes she does with pillows.... clearly this is not a welcome event for me or the Tater Tot, so she is only allowed to put her head on the belly, which she does and then she pouts.  

Hormonal Morning Rant

I had the luxury of getting a seat on the subway this morning. It is always
hard during rush hour since there are just more people on the subway, but in the
past few weeks, since I have started to really "look" pregnant, I'm usually
offered a seat. I can honestly say that I was stunned this morning while
sitting in my seat how rude people were around me.

A woman, who was obviously pregnant got on the subway, and was standing about two
people away from where I was sitting. This was not one of those "Is the pregnant
or maybe just fat?" situations... This was a "Is she pregnant, or is she carrying
a large watermelon in her shirt?" kind of look. And well, if you think woman
ride the subways with watermelons stuffed in their shirts, I guess you've
got bigger problems. Sooooo this woman was clearly pregnant. After giving it a
second, NOT ONE PERSON around me stood up to offer her a seat! Not the young
20 something man next to me, not the comfy looking 30 year old woman on the
other side of me, not the two business man across from me... no one. Now, I
know... sometime we get engrossed in a good book, or we are hitting that next
high level in Angry Birds... but COME ON PEOPLE not one of you noticed the woman
standing in front of you, CLEARLY PREGNANT???

Seriously, she might have corns on her feet that she's never experienced because
she is carrying more weight than ever before. She might have suddenly sprouted
hemorrhoids and is uncomfortable no matter what she does. Her back might be
killing her. Maybe she didn't sleep all night because she was up 5 times
going to the bathroom, or her body hurt and she couldn't get comfortable,
or the baby decided to play gymnastics in her belly all night, or she was up crying
most of the night because she realized she doesn't know how to swaddle a baby
and that skill might be the only thing that saves her from the depths of terrible parenting.
I don't know what this woman was going through, but let's just say it could have been any of
these. BUT NO ONE OFFERED HER A SEAT!

So I did.

Now, I am 31 weeks pregnant. But I was feeling ok this morning, and she was
clearly further along that I was, and I had already had a seat for the past 6
subways stops, so I figured I'd share my good fortune and give her my seat,
SINCE NO ONE ELSE DID. But when I stood up, she shook her head and said, "no
way, you are pregnant too!". So we exchanged the "how far along?" "you look
great" pleasantries within earshot of the idiots sitting around me and then I
sat back down. And then I was uncomfortable, and then I was mad, and then just
sad. Not one person cared that she is carrying a little life in there and
cooking that little life is exhausting and she might benefit from a seat.

So, my advice to you.... GIVE HER YER DAMN SEAT! Look up people and see all of
the wonderful humans standing around you every once in a while. I have lived in
New York City for 14 years, I understand, that time on the subway can be
difficult, or it can be the only time for you to read that good book you've been
wanting to read forever, or it can be the only time you can prepare yourself for
your hard work day, or your getting off the late shift and you are tired and ready
for bed... whatever, I get it. But please notice the people around you. Notice
that older woman who struggles to hold on to the higher bar. Notice that guy
with the cast on his leg who looks able bodied but is having a bad month.
Notice the happy, sad, excited faces around you. And please, notice the pregnant
woman standing right in front of you.

Flying Hormonal Fish!

Craving sushi today, so I decide to go get myself a california roll, which is on the approved list....

I go into my sushi store at 30 Rock and the guy recognizes me, is very friendly and asks where I've been.  Feeling bad that haven't been in 5 months, I explain that I am pregnant, but really wanted a california roll. He is full of congratulations, but then stops with a stricken look on his face and says "you can't eat this!  Flying Fish Roe!" and points to the outside of the rolls, where, in fact there is orange fish roe.  He immediately tells his sushi chef to make me a new roll with no roe. 

I thank him and stand off to the side waiting for my sushi and begin to cry because for some reason, in this moment, I believe that I almost killed my unborn baby and was moments away from making such a grave mistake, I start mumbling to myself "how could you not know about fish roe!"

 On a positive note, sushi delish....

Dear Bladder,

I get it, you are feeling a bit crowded, well you are not the only one.  I am sure it is hard to do your job properly while in this new home shifted from where you used to be, with less space than normal.  But please, work with me here.... Try not to give me false emergency notices.  I have to work too, and I can't be running off every time you think there is an emergency, especially if you can't produce in the end.  I appreciate this is new territory for you, it is for me too.  It is like the Twilight Zone down there, I get it.  Just hold on and I promise this will get better, someday.

Thanks so much for your cooperation in this matter.

Sincerely,

The Brain

Five Fingers Five Toes and a Transporter

So, let me start by saying this is not easy and I have been a nervous nelly.
Not that strange for me to be nervous since I seriously don't like the "unknown"
and pregnancy is wrought with the UNKNOWN!  I thought this was one of those
things that every woman in the world had done, so it was all known!  Nope....
most people say things like "its different for everybody" and "I never had that,
but it is probably totally normal".  What?  Terrifying.

I am exaggerating of course, and if you know me, that statement isn't a shocker
at all.  I am 16 weeks in and I have no idea what is going on.  The only thing
that keeps me calm is the appointments with my very dry and humorless doctor
where I either get to see the Tater Tot or hear the heartbeat.  Then I can
breath and all seems right with the world, for he next 24 hours at least.

Noodles has been fascinated with me in a new way for the last 3 months.  She has
been overly cuddly, not that she isn't normally cuddly, but she seems
'concerned' about me, which freaks me out because I assume she knows more than
me with her super-sonic nose and what not.  Speaking of her nose, she has
started to sniff my belly, then she looks up and me like "what is going on in
there?" again, look of concern that makes me concerned and we are back to
nervous nelly stage.  The husband thinks I am crazy of course, but that isn't
actually new.

Here is a recent conversation while I was in a bit of a panic stage

Me: Um, I don't think the baby is in there anymore.

Husband: huh?

Me: Yeah, I think it might have left....

Husband: What do you mean, left?

Me: I don't know, maybe it has a transporter and it went somewhere else.... but
I am not sure it is in there anymore.

Husband: (long pause while he stares at me) I think you should stop talking and
go to sleep, you might need a nap.

He was right, I needed a nap.