Expectations. What to expect.... blah, blah, blah.

I am learning to adjust my expectations.  It is not easy for me to do, but I don't have much choice.

I really wanted to breastfeed the Tot.  I believe 'breast is best'... I have not been bullied into believing that from other mothers, no doctor has insisted, I just believe it is best, so that is what I wanted to do.  But sometimes, I am learning, you can't.  There are a lot of reasons that I don't seem to be able to breastfeed, and I recite them over and over to convince myself that I am not a failure, but I guarantee you, the first time the Tot has an ear infection, I am going to blame myself.

I repeat this list over and over..... it helps now, but I imagine it won't always. 

1.  The Tot was born premature, whisked off to the NICU and was given formula before I was able to produce my own milk. He was hungry and couldn't wait.

2.  I had a "placenta problem" that I don't like to remember or discuss.... so I was given morphine after his birth and wasn't able to breast feed or pump for almost 12 hours.

3.  He likes the bottle nipple better...
4.  I was severely anemic for a week after the Tot was born.  The doctors wanted to give me a blood transfusion, which I denied, hoping for a more natural, nutritional solution.

4.  I had to commute from home to the NICU for 17 days while trying to breastfeed, and pump and take a subway and and and....

So, expectations?  out the window.

I feel like I tried everything, and logically I know I did.  I met with lactation consultants, I took a breastfeeding class at the hospital for mom's with preemies, I pumped every two hours, I ate lactation cookies, I drank lactation tea, I drank gallons of water, I took fenugreek pills, I was patient with the Tot, I was patient with myself.... I had wonderful support from the Husband, friends and family.  I just couldn't produce enough milk.  The Tot did get all of the milk I did produce, and the nurses at the NICU said that he really did get a lot of my milk, especially for a preemie, but it wasn't enough. And then, well, it just went away, no matter what I did to try to keep in flowin'.

I also wanted to cosleep, and pack cute baby clothes to take to the hospital, and prepare my boss and co-workers for my maternity leave, and decorate a nursery, and well... just finish the prep for the Tot, but none of that happened and sometimes I mourn for that loss.  The loss of week 34 through 40 in my pregnancy.  I like to plan things, I like to make lists, I like to know what is coming and plan for it, but I couldn't.  

I know, I know... The Tot coming early, totally healthy, is such a blessing.  And I am blessed.  He is amazing, and we are adjusting our expectations.  But sometimes I am sad and I mourn the loss of those last 6 or 7 weeks of pregnancy.  It is a strange roller coaster of emotions when you have a preemie baby, which I am sure is exacerbated by hormones being all outta whack, but I was quite unprepared for that roller coaster. I hate being unprepared. 

So, we move on from breast feeding, from co-sleeping, from the shock of the delivery.... I move on, I give myself permission to move on.  The Tot is thriving and I can adjust my expectations and move on.