Mommy, the name

As I hit 24 weeks of this pregnancy, I can't help but think of The Tater Tot's birth just under 2 years ago.  I have written out his 'birth story' and plan on posting here soon, but had a few side stories that I thought I would get down on paper, as it were. 

Once I got to the hospital to deliver The Tot, I was amazed at how quickly I morphed into "Mommy".  I was never referred to as Mrs.Whatever, never, at any point.  When we were in triage upon arrival to the hospital the nurses all started calling me "Mommy".  As in.... "ok mommy, how do you feel"  or "ohh that was a contraction, mommy" or "UH, this baby is coming NOW mommy".  I didn't really have a name anymore.  My husband was also simply referred to as Daddy the entire time. 

At first this felt oddly comforting... Wow, I was already a mommy in their eyes, how fun!  But as my time in the hospital continued, it became a bit odd. From my hospital bed, nurses would enter to take my vitals and just ask, "how are you feeling Mommy".  I could have been anyone, did they look at my chart? Did they know which Mommy I was?

The Tot was born at 33 weeks and spent some time in the NICU, so I continued to be called Mommy... by everyone.  It wasn't that I became concerned about some sort of loss of identity, it was more that I wasn't sure they knew who I was and which baby belonged to me... I was just one of the many Mommies.  What started out making me feel special, a new mommy, suddenly made me feel interchangeable.  Like another "Mommy" could walk in and take care of my baby... since we were all just mommies, who cares which one. 

But in those tender hours and days after the Tot was born, I felt damaged.  He came too early, he was in jeopardy, I felt in jeopardy, and I needed to feel taken care of, and that my tiny, tiny boy was also special and being taken care of... instead I was just in the pool of other mommies.  (side note: I have a billion positive things to report about the NICU nurses, and will in another post... this was just an odd, well, side note.)

At times it felt like the old 60's version of a secretarial pool.  I would show up to the NICU early in the morning and deposit any breast milk I was able to produce into the communal refrigerator into a basket with my name on it (thankfully all the baskets didn't just say "MOMMY" on them!).  Then I hit the NICU and found my baby.. sometimes they had moved him to make room for a new baby without my knowledge and I would be frantic to find him... sometimes he would make progress overnight and they would move him into a new room of the NICU, each room taking you closer to going home. 

There was an ever changing chorus line of nurses, who I frantically tried to memorize names... but to them, I was still just Mommy.  I was there a lot and got to know a lot of the nurses, but I guarantee, they couldn't call me by name.  There were other babies there whose Mommies had to go back to work, and would show up during the day sporadically to see their NICU babies, and at least one Mommy who never seemed to leave the hospital.  But we were no different, we were all just pool of Mommies. 

Its so funny that this started to bother me, and I haven't really even thought about it in the years since we left the Hospital... and it is somewhat ironic now as I covet that name, Mommy.  I waited patiently until the Tot finally uttered "mama" and I thought I would die from love.  And now, being Mommy and being called Mommy is the most amazing thing. 

I am so excited to be a Mommy for the second time, and I am keeping my fingers crossed that this little Firefly takes his time and doesn't surprise us with an early arrival... either way, I look forward to being the Mommy again.

Almost 2!