I have her hands

I have my mothers hands, at least the way I remember them. Sometimes when I am doing something mundane, I will look down and see my mother, in my hands.  My sisters and I look like her sometimes... we've all gone through life phases that make me think each of us resembles her, but my hands stay constant.  They always look like hers. 

We are reaching ages, my sisters and I, that will overcome my mothers lifetime.  She passed away at 49 years old.  What seemed old to me then, seems so young to me now.  We're in our mid and early 40's... and it seems so young. 

These days, with a child of my own, I will hear my mothers voice in the things that I say... or I will have thoughts about her that I have never had before.  When I pick up my little Tater Tot, I see my hands and they look like hers and I am stopped for a moment and I sit down my little two year old and tell him what I know of his Grandmother, my mom. 

What fascinates me is the idea that my little boy, and the one on the way, will in some ways resemble me when they are 40.  Maybe their hands, or their feet... smile, laugh?  Who knows... but it is amazing to think that your DNA is passed along and that I treasure my hands because of my mom, and that hopefully my boys will see something in themselves that they know are mine. 

Mommy, the name

As I hit 24 weeks of this pregnancy, I can't help but think of The Tater Tot's birth just under 2 years ago.  I have written out his 'birth story' and plan on posting here soon, but had a few side stories that I thought I would get down on paper, as it were. 

Once I got to the hospital to deliver The Tot, I was amazed at how quickly I morphed into "Mommy".  I was never referred to as Mrs.Whatever, never, at any point.  When we were in triage upon arrival to the hospital the nurses all started calling me "Mommy".  As in.... "ok mommy, how do you feel"  or "ohh that was a contraction, mommy" or "UH, this baby is coming NOW mommy".  I didn't really have a name anymore.  My husband was also simply referred to as Daddy the entire time. 

At first this felt oddly comforting... Wow, I was already a mommy in their eyes, how fun!  But as my time in the hospital continued, it became a bit odd. From my hospital bed, nurses would enter to take my vitals and just ask, "how are you feeling Mommy".  I could have been anyone, did they look at my chart? Did they know which Mommy I was?

The Tot was born at 33 weeks and spent some time in the NICU, so I continued to be called Mommy... by everyone.  It wasn't that I became concerned about some sort of loss of identity, it was more that I wasn't sure they knew who I was and which baby belonged to me... I was just one of the many Mommies.  What started out making me feel special, a new mommy, suddenly made me feel interchangeable.  Like another "Mommy" could walk in and take care of my baby... since we were all just mommies, who cares which one. 

But in those tender hours and days after the Tot was born, I felt damaged.  He came too early, he was in jeopardy, I felt in jeopardy, and I needed to feel taken care of, and that my tiny, tiny boy was also special and being taken care of... instead I was just in the pool of other mommies.  (side note: I have a billion positive things to report about the NICU nurses, and will in another post... this was just an odd, well, side note.)

At times it felt like the old 60's version of a secretarial pool.  I would show up to the NICU early in the morning and deposit any breast milk I was able to produce into the communal refrigerator into a basket with my name on it (thankfully all the baskets didn't just say "MOMMY" on them!).  Then I hit the NICU and found my baby.. sometimes they had moved him to make room for a new baby without my knowledge and I would be frantic to find him... sometimes he would make progress overnight and they would move him into a new room of the NICU, each room taking you closer to going home. 

There was an ever changing chorus line of nurses, who I frantically tried to memorize names... but to them, I was still just Mommy.  I was there a lot and got to know a lot of the nurses, but I guarantee, they couldn't call me by name.  There were other babies there whose Mommies had to go back to work, and would show up during the day sporadically to see their NICU babies, and at least one Mommy who never seemed to leave the hospital.  But we were no different, we were all just pool of Mommies. 

Its so funny that this started to bother me, and I haven't really even thought about it in the years since we left the Hospital... and it is somewhat ironic now as I covet that name, Mommy.  I waited patiently until the Tot finally uttered "mama" and I thought I would die from love.  And now, being Mommy and being called Mommy is the most amazing thing. 

I am so excited to be a Mommy for the second time, and I am keeping my fingers crossed that this little Firefly takes his time and doesn't surprise us with an early arrival... either way, I look forward to being the Mommy again.

Almost 2!

Time Flies

Has it really been since March?  Where does the time go?  This little pack has been busy since then.... March is around the time I found out I was pregnant with a little firefly.  It was a bit of a shock, since we weren't necessarily trying.  It has been a whirlwind of doctors appointments, finding a new doctor, worrying, being joyful and taking care of the Tater Tot who is fully mobile and exciting!

More on the pregnancy later, there is a lot to write about there.  For now, I want to update you on the Tot.  He is about to turn two, which is amazing to me.  He is a little person who has very specific ideas on what he wants.  He talks all the time and learns like 10 new words a day.  It amazes me. 

He has always had a fondness for Noodles, but it has taken on a new intensity.  He wants to feed her kibble, he wants kisses and wants to kiss her, he wants to know where she is 24/7 (especially when she is trying to hide from him and get a quick nap in).  Now he has to make sure to say good-bye to her when we leave the apartment and give her kisses and give her a toy.  "Bye Bye Nue Nue" he says even after we are blocks away.... "See you soon".  Hilarious.

We have not really prepped him for the new baby, since I seriously don't think he would understand, although he likes to point at my growing belly and say "balloon".  I think the next couple of months we need to start to talk about the new baby and help him understand the new changes happening.  He just continues to be such an agreeable little boy that I can't imagine him freaking out too much.  He is so easy with the other kids at day-care, that I just haven't really worried about it.  I know, I am probably naive.

So, I am hoping to stay up to date with this blog more.  I will explain in another post why I have delayed posting much lately.  But I am going to give it a whirl and see what I think! 

You decide...

Welcome to this episode of Creepy or Flattering:

Standing on the street corner with the Tot in the stroller, gentleman is standing next to us.  He waves at the Tot then gives me the once over, if ya know what I mean.

Him: Single Nanny? 

Me: Nope, married Mom....

Him: aww. 

He crosses the street. 

Wait, what??? I have no idea how I am supposed to feel about this. I went from totally creeped out to flattered then back to creeped out in a matter of seconds. 

Welcome to my morning commute in NYC.

The end

Parenting Fail or Just Sleep Deprivation?

Apologies for not writing lately... I've got a few posts coming, but will start with this one!

At the Tot's 15 month appointment, the doctor was concerned that he wasn't yet walking. He is cruising around, and the fastest crawler in the East, but hasn't decided it is worth his time and effort to actually walk. I am actually not that concerned... he seems very steady and I think he is going to walk any day now. The doctor thinks we should start Early Intervention... the Preemie Parents Worst Nightmare. Or Best, depending on how you look at it. But we have not had to do any early intervention yet, since he is tracking pretty normal overall.

So, I make the call, and suffice it to say, there is a lot of bureaucracy in this process. We are going to finally have our first meeting with these folks; they have to come out and do "paperwork" to set up the initial evaluation to see if the Tot qualifies. I finally fit this into my schedule (not easy with a job... ugh). So this lovely lady shows up to our apartment last night. I had treats ready for Noodles so she wouldn't bark, and the house was.... well, it just was. I was going to say clean, but anyway.

Sidetrack.... The Tot has a cold. There is snot everywhere... there has been very little sleep.

OK, so she shows up and The Tot is playing in the family room, and Noodles does her "Welcome Barking" and I lead Her into the family room and shut the kiddie gate behind me.

Her: Ooh, nice gate. Is that for the dog or the baby?
Me: um, the baby... the dog has freedom, the baby doesn't yet. I mean he will... we don't keep him locked up in here, its a pretty small apartment... uh, anyway, have a seat.

So, we start to fill out the paperwork, and I am distracted by shooing Noodles away (who just wants this dang woman to pet her) and trying to keep the baby from eating the batteries in the remote control. Awesome.

She explains this extremely lengthy process and I sign my name on a bunch of papers and then she fills out our Home Report:

Her: So, I am just writing that you have an UN-restrained dog... that is important for the Evaluator to know
Me: Oh, I'm so sorry... well, she can be "restrained" (I did in fact do air quotes).
Her: well, that's nice..... (Noodles is now trying to get inside her purse)

Then she starts writing again and the Tot crawls over to her and pulls himself up to the coffee table, and I smell a whiff of a dirty diaper.

Her: Hello there, big boy! (she turns to me and says in the same sing song voice) Well, these corners are sharp aren't they, huh? (as she rubs the corner of the table)
Me: uh yes they are.... sharpity sharp sharp....(nervous laughter from me)
Her: Oh wow Mom, he has a stuffy nose huh?
Me: Oh yeah, let me get that.... (I reach over to try to wipe the glob coming out of his nose and he collapses and crawls away screaming)

And she continues to write... I assume about my tantrum-throwing-snot-running-out-of-his-nose-baby- about-to-impale-himself-on-the-coffee-table parenting fail. But who knows, maybe she wrote down January 2014.

 Here he is, crawling fast!

Road Trips

We live in NYC, so in order to go visit family on the East Coast, it means renting a car and taking a road trip!  We traveled to Grandma's house this Thanksgiving with the whole pack to Rhode Island.  Both the Tater Tot and Noodles are great car travelers.  Noodles is used to traveling with us and always makes life easy.  The Tot has proven to be a good traveler as well.  He usually sleeps, but when he is awake, he plays and watches the cars out the window, which I guess is mesmerizing.

We enjoyed our three days out of town, since I think we both needed to get out of the city for a few days...Now we are home and prepping for the Christmas holidays.  I can't believe it is already December. Where did November go?

Our little Spud is amazingly 14 months old.  He is a crawling machine and has shown very little interest in walking, I mean, when you are such a fast crawler, why slow it down, am I right?  He is doing amazing and growing so much... He babbles and says a lot of words that mean, well, nothing really.  Noodles is NooDoo or DooDoo.  Dada is Daddy and anything exciting.  And Mama is saved for when we cry.  He was sick a couple of weeks ago, so we kept him out of daycare for a few days and when he returned, he surprised us with knowing his friend Ava's name.  When we arrived in the morning, he heard Ava call to him (she is about 2 months older than the Tot) and he started screaming ABA, ABA!!! It shocked us all and as he squirmed to get down, he raced down the hall to get to his friend while yelling ABA the whole way.  So cute.... My heart was full, but also sad, since my sweet baby didn't even look back to say goodbye.... "ABA".  Another transition huh?

Here we are on our way to Rhode Island!

A year has gone by....

A year has passed... and the past month has flown by.  My little Tater Tot turned a year old.  While I was over the moon excited about his birthday, it oddly brought up a lot of anxiety around his birth.  I haven't posted his "birth story" but plan to do that.  It is a story I want to remember, but it is also a story that I didn't expect, and it you know me, expectations are important.

Here is a picture of my little Spud at a year old.  I love him more than I can express.  He has changed my life.  He has changed the books I read, the TV shows I watch and quite frankly every part of who I am.  I used to LOVE murder mysteries, I used to love true crime novels, I used to love Primetime, to Catch a Predator type shows.  I no longer can read these books or watch these shows... I don't know why.  I don't want to hear about crime, or murder or bad things happening to people.  I scares me.  It doesn't interest me anymore.  Odd huh?  

My life has changed in a way that makes it hard to blog too... I love to blog, I love to write.  I always have a "novel" I am writing on the side... but I don't have time.  I am ok with this.  I only have a small amount of time with the Spud during the week since I work outside the home.  Our mornings are spent eating, playing, getting ready for "school" and work.  We walk to daycare and then off I go to work.  At the end of the day, we walk home, walk Noodles, eat, play, dance and sing, take a bath, read a book and bed.  Once the Tot is in bed, there is only so many more hours of awake time in me, which are spent with the Loving Husband. Then off to bed! No time to write.  

The past year has been crazy.  I am amazed how things can change so drastically, yet we find our way, find new patterns, find new likes and dislikes, all while watching the miracle of a little boy learn and grow.  He does something new to make me laugh every day.  So, in the spirit of new patterns, I am going to try to write more, either on here or offline.  The Tot's birth story is on it way... along with other posts. But for now, Happy Birthday to my little Tater Tot! You are a year old! (or you were, this post is late!)

NYC Living

We live in NYC... with a small dog and a small baby, in a small apartment.  Well, for NYC we actually have a pretty decent size one bedroom, but there are a lot of challenges living in a small space with the growing amount of "stuff" the baby needs.  Here is just a little post on how we do it.

We only purchase what we need.  That doesn't mean the apartment isn't already overrun with baby stuff, but I try not to buy extraneous stuff and really think through what the spud might or might not need.

We have two stroller systems.  We began with the car seat/snap and go stroller.  That was awesome and still is.  We travel with that since we need the car seat and it is easy and light weight.  For day to day stroller needs, we use the City Mini GT.  I love this stroller, but it is big and heavy.  If we are taking the subway, this stroller just won't do since I can't carry it more than 5 or 6 steps.  It is a great stroller for our park walks and in the neighborhood errands.  When we go on the subway, unless the husband is joining, we use our Boba Air Carrier.

The Boba Air Carrier is awesome.  We got a Bjorn from my sister in law, which worked great at first, but the Boba Air is just so light weight, comfortable and easy.  It squishes up into a small bag and weighs about a pound!  So, wherever we go, we toss the Boba Air into the stroller or bag and we always have a second option if the Spud wants to be carried.  It is also great for travel.  We took it to California and hiked Yosemite with it. Can't say enough about how great it is, and it is small, so takes up less space in the apartment! 

The other tip about living in a small space with a child is what I call 5 minutes 5 things.  I have used this theory for most of my marriage... I've just called it different names.  "Twenty Minute Clean Up" is what we did prior to the Spud, and we still use that on occasion.  Let me explain.  The 5 minutes 5 things clean up means, once the baby goes to bed,  I take 5 minutes and I literally do 5 things.  Sometimes it looks like I am the Tasmanian Devil running around the house, but I just don't want to spend my evening cleaning.  So for 5 minutes I pick up all the toys and put them in the big "catch-all" basket.  I put items in the dishwasher, or empty it, depending on need, wipe down the kitchen counters, walk through the apartment and just pick up random crap and put it "away" (loose term).  Now, I will admit that I usually go beyond the 5 minute time frame, but that's OK, since I feel better when things are straitened up, then I can relax for a bit with the husband before I crash and fall asleep.

Anyway, that is just a small list of what we do.  More later I'm sure! Here is a picture of the Spud and I with the Boba Air Carrier.

Dear Hair Dressers of the World, or just mine

Please don't make me tip out the Shampoo Assistant.  I never know how much to give and it is just awkward.  I give you a tip and I want you to tip them out... they work for you.

I don't go into a restaurant and tip my server, then wander the restaurant to tip out the Food Runner and Bus Person.  I expect my server to give them a portion of the tip.  It works out for all of us.

Please, just tip them out.

Actually, while we are at it, can we just dispense with tipping you all together?  Can you just come up with a reasonable price, tip included and I give you that money?  I will pay more in fact if I don't have to do math after my appointment... give yourself a big tip, I'm fine with that, I just don't want to have to decide each time what I think I am supposed to give.

Thanks... rant over.

How Not to Get to Work on Time: The Story of My Morning

My alarm didn't go of this morning, and by that I mean the baby slept in. So we started off late.

Then because our schedule was off, I was dressed for work while feeding the baby, this is mistake number two for the morning. The Tot decided to accessorize my outfit with food. Noodles was more than happy to help clean up, but I still had to change.

The third mistake, which really is no one's fault, is upon leaving the apartment I saw a note on the elevator stating it was "out of service for maintenance". So....back into the apartment to switch out stroller for Boba carrier, then down six flights of stairs.

This is a perfect guide to being late for work. Tomorrow I will go through how to be on time, that is if I ever figure that out.

Sleep

We are blessed with a good sleeper.  Around 3 months old, I put the Tot down at 8:30pm and he slept until 6:00am. These days he is in bed by 7:30pm or so, and up like an alarm clock at 6:00am.  Yes, there are hiccups along the way... when he is teething the sleeping isn't perfect.  Also when he gets sick, sleeping obviously is interrupted. And every so often we will have a week or so of "odd" sleep where he won't want to go to bed and/or will wake up with what I think are nightmares.  But that is rare.

The Tot also wakes up great.  We live in a one bedroom apartment in NYC, so from day one, (or more accurately, day 17 when he came home from the NICU) he has slept in our room.  We had a co-sleeper bed and once he outgrew that, we moved him to the pack-n-play in our bedroom.  So, he is in our bedroom. For those of you that are saying to yourself now "get that kid out of your bedroom", well... we might do that if we could.  But there is no where else to put the little spud.  We also like him in our room. Like I said, he is a good sleeper, so there seems no reason to chance what is working.  Oh, my point... he wakes up so happy!  At 6:00am, I can hear him stir and then he grabs some toys (we always keep toys in the PNP (pack-n-play) and a few binkies.  So when he wakes up, he plays, chats with himself, sometimes he "sings" to himself and generally has a good time.  Once I am fully awake, we get up and start our day, always with smiles.

There are many things to love about this Tot, but that is by far one of my favorite,  He is a good sleeper, and a great waker!

Reading his book in the morning

11 months

As you can see, the process of taking the monthly picture has become... more challenging for me, and more fun for the Tot.

This last month has been pretty amazing.  While we were on vacation in California, the Tot turned 10 months old and did an amazing amount of growing, and since then it has really been, well, amazing.  He is crawling so fast it spins my head.  He is also pretty adept at pulling himself up onto things and tip toeing from couch to table etc.

He continues to adore Noodles.  She is the funniest thing in the world to him.  He has found her pile of toys and will crawl over, grab a toy and then show Noodles he has it.  At this point, it is game on! Noodles, very gently will take the toy and start running.  The Tot follows in hot pursuit, then Noodles will drop the toy, the Tot picks it up and the game begins again. Noodles is so gentle and funny, it is great to watch.  She is wary of him when he isn't holding one of her toys since that means he has free hands and can grab her fur, but as long as he is holding a toy, she is game to play! She also seems to want to share her food with him.  She will bring him kibble and leave it for him, and when he doesn't (thankfully) try to eat it, so chomps it up.

He is babbling a lot, but hasn't yet seemed intentional with his "words".  He will say mama and dada and baba and a bunch of other things that sound like words, but only a couple times have we thought he was actually saying "mama" or "dada"  specifically at us.  We are working on it!

I can't believe he will be a year old in one month.  I have no idea where this last year has gone.  It is a blur of bottles, diapers, sleepless nights, going to work, picking up and dropping off at daycare, trips, blending vegetables, desitin, toys, growing teeth, and lots of hugs and kisses.  As one year approaches, we are so grateful to have this little spud.

Four Years Old

My little girl is four years old.  She has had a rough year, but she is doing great.  She is such an amazing little dog.  It is hard to explain how much I love her... those who don't know me will never understand.  She is my heart.  I love her.  She is four years old and I hope she lives to be 104.... : )

Ten Full Months while in CA!

While we were on vacation in California... the little spud turned 10 months old, and what a change it was! When we left for our trip, we could tell that the spud had been seriously thinking about crawling.  He had taken a few tentative rocks into movement forward, but while we were in California this kid took off!  He also decided that he wanted to stand up, and totally pulled himself up to a fully standing position!  It was so fun to experience that with my whole family.

We all had such an amazing time.  We spend 4 days in Yosemite where we actually hiked with The Tot.  Then we spent time in my hometown in Northern California and had a blast.  Noodles LOVES California.  At my Dad's house, she has access to the backyard 24/7... and since we live in a NYC apartment, she can't get enough of the outdoors.

Here is The Tot on his 10 month old bday!

My Little Spud

9 months

This week The Tot became an official 9 month old.  It has been an amazing couple of months... Our wonderful sleeper has become a Not-So-Perfect Sleeper.  The little Spud wakes up in the middle of the night screaming, which is so new to us.  Thankfully it isn't every night and seems to kind of come and go.  

My little pensive child has also finally really discovered Noodles.  He watches her from afar, and giggles at most everything she does.  He LOVES when she sneezes.  Noodles has spent the last 9 months delivering toys to the Tot in hopes of a playmate, and she finally succeeded!  When she drops a toy by him, he will now grab it and they play tug of war.  He loves it and Noodles can't get enough.  

We are in the "crawling" stage.  Although I have explained that he is officially crawling since he "rolls" "scoots" and generally gets himself from point A to point B... the husband wants to see a classic "crawl"  Not sure if we will ever get there since he seems to get around just fine!  

We still have to work really hard to get a smile... but staring deep into our eyes trying to figure us out, he's got that down!  He loves to watch you talk and Mommy singing seems to be his favorite thing.

The whole pack is doing great.  Noodles' health isn't 100% yet, but she is making serious improvements.  We are just enjoying the summer and looking forward to some summer travel soon.  I hope to be able to check in a little bit more on this blog.... wish me luck!

Dear Downstairs Neighbors

So, you might not have gotten the memo, but I am sure you are aware that we have a dog and a new small human.  You might have been aware of the dog, but I am sure the new human has just recently made his presence known.

I would like to take this opportunity to apologize.  Seriously, I would have hated to live below me, in fact I have spent the last 15 years angry at my neighbors who lived above me in various apartments.  They have been loud, foot stomping, guitar playing, late night partying, perfectly normal neighbors.

So again, I would like to apologize for the pitter patter of paws running to chase a ball, the stomping of new feet jump-jumping in his crazy jumper contraption, the thud of a plastic toy hitting the floor, repetitively... at all hours of the day and night.  The barking at nothing, the crying at nothing, and all the various noises you must endure.

I can't promise this will improve, in fact I have a funny feeling it is going to get worse.  So I am sorry. I hope you don't approach me in the elevator... I seriously hate conflict, so I will avoid you at all cost, and I know that sucks, but well, I'm tired.....

Oh, and apologies to our next door neighbors too.... you may suffer as well, and I have to run into you a lot more often, so you hear my verbal apologies daily.

Gotta go... the UPS guy is coming, so this house is gonna get loud!

Eatin

We have been working on introducing solid food....  We wanted to wait until the Tot was well into his sixth month, especially since he was a preemie baby (and in fact at about 4 months old, when our doctor said to start with rice cereal, a new study came out saying that parents should wait).... we also read a lot about solids and got a lot of great advice on how to introduce solids... puree vs. chunks of food.  This has not been as easy as everyone says.  We are taking tips from all methods, so the Tot gets some pureed food and some solid chunks and we let him kinda decide.  

A Mom I trust told me about Baby Led Weaning and after reading everything I could get my hands on, decided that I wanted to try that.  I am not opposed to pureed foods, it just didn't make much sense to me.  I also did a lot of research on Rice Cereal and realized I had no interest in that stuff.  So, just like everything else in parenting, there are a lot of opinions, and I am learning that people get quite angry if you don't do it "their" way.... So, we plod along doing some pureed food and give the Tot chunks of food to suck on and we laugh and try to make it fun.  The Mom I trust gave me great advice months ago... she said don't worry so much about it.  Babies get all the nutrition they need from milk for the first year and that solid food is just for fun.  So, we try to make it fun.  

Noodles thinks it is awesome.  She has decided that Butternut Squash and Sweet Potato are DELISH!  So although the Tot doesn't get much food in the mouth, Noodles certainly does.

Eight months old!

This little Spud is 8 months old.  I don't even know what to think about that.  He has started teething and has sprouted two teeth on the bottom as of this week.  He was very uncomfortable, but didn't get very grouchy, so that was great.  

Our sleeping patterns seem to have changed too.... Our amazing sleeper has had a few issues of late.  He no longer wants to go to bed and wakes up a couple of times a night.  It isn't terrible, especially since month 3 he has slept like a champ, I can't really complain.  I know it is just teething and growth and whatnot.  

He really loves Noodles, and Noodles loves the Tot too... from a bit of a distance.  The Tot loves when Noodles sneezes, that's his favorite thing she does.  Noodles loves when the Tot is still and she can get close enough to sniff without fear of grabbing.  

The Husband and I are great, short of being a bit sleep deprived over the past week or so.  We have stories of solid food issues, and that will come in a new post shortly!  Gotta go make baby food..... 

Central Park

This little guy is 8 months old.  I can't even believe it.  He is growing up so fast.  He loves to watch Noodles when she chews on her 'chew-chews' and he especially loves it when she sneezes. He finds that hysterical. The weather is finally nice outside, so we spend time during the weekends in Central Park.  

I am finding blogging to be difficult... working 40 hours a week and then trying to spend every waking second with this little spud has left less time for my writing.   But I am going to plan more posts soon! 

In the meantime, here is a great shot of Noodles and The Tot.